The main purpose of this site is to promote health - yours and your friends'. Humor helps, but sometimes a good tear jerker of a story can also help. Thanks, Danitza, for this one. By Ron Berler
Appeared originally in Mysterious Ways magazine. Casey wasn’t the most popular dog in her owner Carol Baird’s neighborhood of Dalton, Ga. A huge, burly Alaskan malamute, she had a heart of gold but a nose for trouble. She’d slip out the Baird family’s back door and trot down the street without a care. Most people gave her a wide berth. That was hardly surprising. From a distance, Casey looked a lot like a wolf. She behaved like one too, or at least had an appetite like one. Neighbors often stormed over to complain. “Your dog got out again, and ate all of our dog’s food!” or “Casey’s turned over our garbage!”; So when a man rapped on Carol’s door, said he lived three blocks away and then asked for her dog’s name, Carol braced herself. What did Casey do this time? “We have a sliding-glass door that we usually keep open in the summer,” the man began, “and every day for the last several weeks your dog has wandered off the street and come uninvited into my house.” That dog, Carol thought. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know why Casey gets herself into such mischief. A lot of it’s our fault. We have to start watching her more closely. But honestly, she means no harm...” “No, you don’t understand,” the man interrupted. “I came over to thank you.” The man must have seen the confusion on Carol’s face. No neighbor had ever said anything positive about Casey before. They usually wanted to know who would fill up the two-foot hole she’d energetically dug in their backyard. But not this neighbor. He explained that his father, who had Alzheimer’s, lived with him and his wife and needed constant monitoring. The father rarely moved from his easy chair in front of the TV in the living room and was often agitated. Caring for him had exhausted the man and his wife. “I couldn’t remember the last time we had two hours to ourselves,” the man said. “And then, one day, your dog showed up.” Casey wandered into the house through the sliding door and made straight for the man’s father. “She sat right beside him, like she had planned to visit him all along,” the neighbor said, his voice filled with wonder. He saw his father turn to Casey and begin to pet her. He stroked her and stroked her, and fell peacefully asleep. “He slept two full hours,” the neighbor said. “It was the biggest midday reprieve my wife and I have had in years.” Casey returned the next day, and every day after that, as if she had an appointment to keep. Each time was the same. She’d pad to the old man’s chair and sit by his side, letting him pet her till he dozed off. “To my wife and me,” the neighbor said, “Casey was a gift from heaven. That’s why I’ve come to see you today. Is Casey here?” “Yes, she is,” Carol said. “Casey!”; The big malamute trotted up, looking at the neighbor with searching eyes. The neighbor gave a gentle pat. “You must have known, didn’t you?” the neighbor said to Casey. “That’s why you just stopped coming a couple of days ago.” “Known what?” Carol asked. “My father died in his sleep the night after Casey’s last visit. She knew her job was over.” Red Buttons was popular before TV and in the early years of TV. These are professionals; there are many women trying to look like them with those stupid high heels. It's a joke. Gals, here's how men really think about those high heels. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so
will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Phyllis Diller Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Phyllis Diller Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Phyllis Diller We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Phyllis Diller If it weren't for hockey, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis Diller You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Phyllis Diller What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Phyllis Diller His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Phyllis Diller Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Phyllis Diller My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Phyllis Diller There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Phyllis Diller My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbour . Phyllis Diller My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Phyllis Diller I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Phyllis Diller The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. Phyllis Diller You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller An Irish Golfer (thanks, James) An Irish golfer hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he came upon a leprechaun who was flat on his back with a big bump on his head and a golf ball lying next to him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the golf cart and poured it over the little guy to revive him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer replied. 'Oh, I see. Well, since you got me fair and square, you get three wishes. Whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're OK!' the man exclaimed. 'I really don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK and I'm sorry.' And the golfer walked away. 'What a nice guy!' the leprechaun thought. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things that I would want... a great golf game, all the money that he needs and a fantastic sex life.' A year had gone by when the golfer finally returned. On the very same hole, he once again hooked his drive into the woods, and the leprechaun was there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made you hit the ball here,' the little guy said. 'I have to ask... how's yer golf game?' 'My golf game is fantastic!' the man exclaimed. I'm a pretty famous golfer now.' Then he added, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thanks! I did that for yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer financial situation?' 'Why, it's wonderful!' the golfer replied. 'Whenever I need money, I just reach in my pocket and pull out hundred dollar bills that I didn't even know were there.' 'I did that for you also. And, pray tell, how is yer sex life?' The golfer blushed and turned his head away in embarrassment. Then he very shyly said, 'It's OK.' 'C'mon now,' urged the leprechaun. 'I want to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then he whispered, 'Once, sometimes twice a month.' 'What?' exclaimed the leprechaun. 'That's all? Only once or twice a month?' 'Well,' the golfer replied. 'That's not bad for a priest in a small parish!' Russia has car dashboard cameras for their lousy drivers. Have time for another? It's called Idiots of the World, but now all of the subjects are idiots. Street Performer Kissing Booth Caught Cheating Enjoy Airline Food
During her flight between London and Tel Aviv , 70 year old Leah gets terribly angry because the kosher meal she ordered when she first booked her flight was not on the plane. And because she is not one to meddle with, Leah complains to a stewardess and asks to see the captain. Sitting on the other side of the aisle to Leah is Naomi Gold and when she hears of Leah's problem, she leans over to Leah and says, "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think it's a bit unfair of you to blame the airline for not having any kosher food on board today." "Oh really? Why do you say that?" asks Leah . "Because today is Yom Kippur," replies Naomi . Big Family After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.'' Bar Crawl An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close. He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed. The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!" "What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." A young boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog. He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son. You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7. Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes. The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.'' The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4. About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.
''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes. Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him. Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mom will get it too. Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mom will give herpes to the mailman, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog!''' |
AuthorGrandpa Mel is just a retired old fart who would like to spread a few laughs to help people cope. After all, if we don't laugh, we'll probably cry. Archives
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